Recently, I have given myself a priceless gift: time.
For the first decade and a half of my adult life, time was the enemy. Thoughts like “I don’t have enough time,” and “I’m never going to get it all done” were my constant, depressing mantra. When my eldest child was a toddler, I preserved Thursday nights as my “writing night” and would be gone as soon as my husband returned from work. Yet…I would be so frazzled, so stressed, so emotional that I could not write. I could not create. “I just don’t have enough time.” It wasn’t just an idea. It was the reality I created.
Fast forward seven years.
All my children are in school. Now, I thought, Now I will write. As the other parents dropped off their littlest children to preschool, weeping, I dropped her off, skipping. (I felt a little downcast while skipping. I’m not a monster.)
But did I write more while she was gone? Yes. But I also did dishes. DISHES.
And time was still the enemy.
“I have to get this done while my kids are in school.”
“I only have time for THIS thing only.”
“I can’t waste my time on Journaling/Poetry/Websites. I have to stay focused–!”
These thoughts are very stressful. And stressed creatives don’t create, at least not freely. Not with verve. Not with playfulness.
Which led me to this shocking revelation:
Scared writers do not play, do not create.
They hide.
I wrote a poem once, about this beautiful little fawn hiding in the golden grass. I compared myself to it–how I needed to hide to feel safe, hide my work, hide myself.
That has changed for me. I now let things take time. I’m not panicked, not worried. And yet–I’m spending more time creating than I ever have before.
I used to be a piano teacher with many students, a ninja coach with four classes, and have my children in soccer.
Then I had a thought: Rachel, have the courage to go all in on your writing.
Going all in on writing means quitting what I must quit so I can have the energy to show up to the page every day. It means adding just a little bit more to the manuscript every time I write. It means updating my website. It means joining a writing group and starting a writer’s gym. It means letting my creativity spark any way it wants to. It means not writing scared.
I’ve learned to trust myself, my intuition. I’ve also begun to rest when I need rest–before I need rest, even.
I feel nothing but affection for the writer who existed before me. Younger Rachel did so much for me, and I love her for it.
But goodness–
Writing Brave is Simply More Fun.
And that is today’s far more useful mantra. Happy creating friends!